After playing each stage multiple times, hearing the dialog so much that I could probably recite it from memory, and screaming in frustration more than I can count, it's finally over. Or as over as it can be, given I don't have the DLC. I'm 50/50 and 1000 gamerscore richer. But was it worth it?
No, it really wasn't.
A game like Colonial Marines illustrates how bad achievements can extend a game's life in the wrong way. I'm fine hunting down Dog Tags and Audio Logs. I'm okay with beating the game on higher difficulties. It's grinding out specific little things in multiplayer or trying to speed kill a boss that's been buffed to make that nigh impossible that I have trouble with. But as the days passed and the number of lines in my text file got fewer and fewer, my morale started to return. When I beat the final Challenge, it gave me the jolt I needed to push myself through the final achievements.
I've been frustrated striving to perfect games in the past. Catwoman's final Campaign in Arkham City. The drinking games in Watch Dogs. Finders Keepers in Thief. They're all terrible in their own way, but no game has ever done more to my mental state than Colonial Marines has. I've used obscenities that don't exist, I've rage quit the game in the middle of a stage/multiplayer match, I've sat and stared at the walls in my room for lengthy periods of time, and I've wanted to just take the disc out, snap it, and be done with it. The only reason I still understand the concept of fun is because I've been playing Symphony of the Night and Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate off and on, as well.
So, here we are at another achievement breakdown. And I think I'm going to expand upon something I did in the first breakdown, for Amalur. There, I marked the worst achievements I had to deal with in red. I think I should just do a general color-coded rating system from now on. Something like...
Blue: Either based on plot progression or something I didn't actively hunt, I just got it as I played the game normally.
Green: Something that wasn't too hard to get, whether by accident or while actively hunting it.
Yellow: Annoying to get, but only took a few tries.
Orange: Provided ample frustration, but wasn't enough to get me spitting mad.
Red: The worst of the worst.
Something like that. I'll refine it as I do more of these, I'm sure. So... let's get down to it, shall we?
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...But No Cigar: Rescue a teammate from a close encounter - I had to start Level 1 with a second controller hooked up, playing split-screen solo because it was the easiest way. I went through the level until you reach the spot where you cut Keyes off the wall. I let Player 2 walk up to trigger the Xenomorph in the wall coming out and grabbing him. Killed the alien with my controller and got the achievement. Probably could've gotten it for saving an NPC teammate from a facehugger in a later stage, but this was quick and simple.
Adaptive Morphology: Upgrade every Appearance slot once for a Xenomorph class - This just took a bit of time in Multiplayer. As I was doing Challenges and working on raising my Rank anyway, this didn't take any effort to do.
Adios, Muchachos: Gib two enemies at once. - Actually got this completely by accident while working on a shotgun-related Challenge. Not difficult to do, so you'll probably get it at some point without actually trying for it.
Another Bug Hunt: Complete a Challenge - Aaaahahahaha... a single Challenge. Ahhh, that was a long time ago...
Another Day in the Corps!: Complete Distress - You get this for beating Level 1.
Anytime, Anywhere: Kill a Crusher without it damaging you. - Surprisingly, for all the crap you have to do with Crushers in this game, this is actually the easiest to get. I got it without trying in multiplayer by shooting at a Crusher that was halfway across the map. I happened to get the killing blow, and so I got the achievement. Even if you didn't get it here, you'd have to boost for the Uncrushable Challenge, so you'd get it there.
Arbitrarily Exterminated: Kill 2179 Xenomorphs - Referencing, I believe, the year that Aliens took place, this one you'll probably have to grind a bit for. There's a long Smart Gun section in Level 4, I believe it was. I sat and just Restart Checkpoint'd for about 45 minutes and got it that way. Annoying and dull, but not difficult to do.
Bad Feeling About This Drop: Complete Sulaco Falls - You get this one for beating Level 3.
Coming Outta the Walls!: Kill a Xenomorph climbing on the walls or ceiling. - Not difficult to get at all. You'll probably get this somewhere in Level 1, in fact. I want to say I did, but it feels like I got this one years ago at this point...
Distinguished Service Medal: Complete all Challenges - This is the one, right here. This one almost completely broke me in half. This was the cause of so much pain that I can't even begin to describe everything that's terrible about it. I've done a couple posts now about Colonial Marines, and there was plenty of talk about how terrible Challenges are, both in general and in this game. Thanks to a lovely Xbox Live user by the name of Nergal Pluton, I was able to get Uncrushable and that was the turning point in me feeling like I could actually perfect the game again. If you're reading this - thank you.
Don't Count Me Out: Revive a teammate. - I believe I got this in one of the two or three random Campaign Co-Op levels I played with random people. Everyone gets incapped sooner or later. You just have to be there to pick them up again.
Dragged Queen: Complete Home - The final level of the game, and one I got exceedingly good at in the lead-up to hitting Rank 60, as I played it over and over on Ultimate Badass. It's short, it's simple, and when you know the optimal route, you can beat it in 3 minutes or less. And that's with the opening cutscene of Winter talking to Cruz and stumbling out into the hangar.
Easter Egg: Find the Easter Egg - Tap a keypad that's only slightly hidden, go back a couple rooms through a now-open door, and look at some Xeno eggs that have been painted up a bit. Not hard to find.
Eat This!: Kill a Xenomorph with a shotgun at very close range. - This'll come naturally as you play the game. Sooner or later, a bug's gonna leap at your face, and you're going to pop him right in front of you.
Entry Prohibited: Kill 10 Xenomorphs that are using vents. - The game has a very broad definition of 'vents,' as you can pop Xenos that are coming out of any old hole in the ground. Or wall. Or ceiling. Or not coming out of anything at all, really. More than likely, you'll get this as you play through the game. Pay attention when you get it and see if there are actually any vents where you are!
Field Modified, Kill Certified: Upgrade every slot for a weapon. - This'll happen over time as you Rank Up and do more Challenges with certain gear. I think either the Service or the Combat Pistol is the one you'll open everything up for first. Tedious, but inoffensive.
Field Promotion: Earn Rank 2 as a Marine - Painfully simple, and will likely happen during or after Level 1.
Fire Drill: Arm the emergency release and escape in under 2:30 on Sulaco Falls - Alright, so this one was a turd to do and took more than a few tries. Basically, the hangar you're trying to escape from is filled with Weyland-Yutani PMCs. Why PMCs were augured into an Aliens title is anyone's guess, but they're shooting at you and respawning constantly as you make your way around the upper level of the hangar, flipping switches and waiting on boxes to move into place. It's not a terribly tight timer, but it's tight enough that you'll make mistakes as you try and rush through it.
Game Over, Man!: Complete all Campaign levels on any difficulty. - As you'll have to play through the game multiple times for various things, you'll get this sooner or later. Sadly, it's not a very accurate description, as anyone trying to perfect Colonial Marines will be far, far from being done with the game when they get this.
Heavy Lifting: Defeat the Raven in under 1:10 on Soldier difficulty or higher. - This was the final achievement I got. The Raven is a larger than average Xenomorph and the boss of stage 5, which is named after him. You fight the Raven in a Power Loader as smaller Xenos scurry about getting in potshots and generally being a nuisance. This was the final achievement I got, because I thought I would have to clear my 360's cache to be able to get it. See, the game was patched at some point to make enemies tougher. This includes the Raven. Clearing your cache and playing offline can let you fight him as he original was, but also runs the risk of A) erasing your save game and B) resetting your Ranks. Obviously, I was not going to endanger either, so I did it last. I did it last and I did it legit. I figured I'd run the stage normally before resorting to a cache clear. And on the 13th try, when I was ready to give up for the night, the achievement popped. It wasn't even a particularly good run, either. I had a much better one a few attempts prior, but since the achievement pops only when it's too late to Restart Checkpoint, I never got to see if it would've granted me the achievement or not. Terrible achievement, in any case. If you buff bosses, change the achievement. Alternately, don't have stupid speed kill achievements for bosses!
I Can Handle Myself: Purchase all Upgrades for a weapon - Again, this is just something you'll get as you Rank Up, do Challenges, and unlock more stuff. Not sure what the earliest you can get it is, but it's far enough back that it couldn't have been tough.
I Feel Safer Already: Have another player join your party. - Start game, fire up Controller 2, have Controller 2 join a Private Campaign Co-Op level. Ta-da!
I Heard THAT: Collect all 12 Audio Logs - Actually one of the last 6 achievements I had. Generally, they aren't out of your way, you just have to look around for them. Still, there are various guides in text and video format to help you out if you need it. Not difficult or time consuming, this one got put off simply because I'm lazy and bad at spotting things.
I Like to Keep These Handy: Collect all 6 Legendary weapons. - Weapons that belonged to characters from Aliens, these are littered across the game's stages. For the most part, they're all in areas you'd be in while playing, so you should be able to get them all in your first playthrough.
I Love the Corps!: Earn Rank 60 as a Marine. - Apone, you may love the Corps, but I sure as hell don't. By the time I had finished almost everything but completing the game on Ultimate Badass, I had just crested Rank 50. This was the second to last achievement I got, and I got it by running Level 11, Home, over and over on Ultimate Badass. You get a lot of XP for completing it and, again, even on the hardest setting you can knock it out in 3 minutes if you know how to move. There's no need to get to this level, and it's pretty unlikely you'll get there without resorting to the same type of tactic I used.
It's a Dry Heat: Kill 3 enemies with a single U4 Firebomb - This one actually took me longer than I'd like to admit. There's a spot in Level 3, Sulaco Falls, where teammates Bella and O'Neal stop to talk while looking out a window. Then you'll go to a door and on the other side are a mess of Weyland-Yutani guys. Wait behind a box on the other side of the door for a second, then huck the Firebomb when they're all grouped up. It may take a few tries, and you'll definitely want to be on Recruit. There's really no reason why I didn't get this much, much sooner.
Just a Grunt: Complete Hope in Hadley's. - This one's for beating Level 9.
Lean and Mean: Earn Rank 20 as a Marine - It might not take too long, but the worst is still ahead of you. Enjoy the grind, rookie.
Let's Rock!: Kill 10 Xenomorphs in a game with the M56A2 Smart Gun - You'll get this, no problem, in Level 4. There's a whole sequence where you'll be toting around the Smart Gun, and there's far more than 10 Xenos in that hallway.
Love at First Sight: Survive a close encounter with a Facehugger - Earliest you can get this is in Level 2 as you're en route to Bella's location. You'll run through an area filled with eggs. The first closed one will split as you approach and, if you let it, a Facehugger will jump on you.
Majority Shareholder: Spend 30 Commendations - These are the points you get when you gain a Rank or do some Challenges. Takes awhile, but if you're working on other stuff, it'll come quickly enough.
Micro Changes in Air Density: Track 100 hostile targets with the Motion Tracker - Could probably get this in Level 2, if not Level 1. Neither difficult nor time consuming.
Mostly Come at Night...: Find Newt's doll - This one's in the Boiler section of Level 5. Early on, when I first started the game, I got dumped into this stage in co-op. It was actually the first level I played, and I got shown its location by the host. It's not difficult to spot, though. It's between sections of Boilers, you just have to keep an eye out.
Need a Deck of Cards?: Set up a UA 571-C Remote Sentry - You'll get this and Let's Rock close together. The first time you set a Sentry up is in Level 4, just before you do the Smart Gun sequence.
No Need For Alarm: Complete One Bullet without setting off the alarm - I got this one my first time through Level 7. Basically, you want to put a sound suppressor on one of your guns - I recommend the Battle Rifle - and then just go slowly once O'Neal points out the fact that dudes are near alarms. It's not exceedingly hard, but it can be annoying and tricky.
No Offense: Melee a Lurker that is pouncing towards you - This might take awhile, but it can be done in multiplayer or Campaign. You'll have a much easier time of it in multiplayer, though, as Lurkers in Campaign stay hidden and move much faster.
Not Bad For a Human: Complete all Campaign levels on Hardened difficulty - The difficulty order in this game is as follows: Recruit, Soldier, Hardened, Ultimate Badass. Here's the thing - outside of doing a level on Hardened for a Challenge, you don't need to do more. You get the achievement if you beat the game on Ultimate Badass. And since there's also an achievement for beating that difficulty, just play through on UB and get both at once! It's what I did.
Oorah to Ashes: Collect a Dog Tag - The first of many. I collected my first Dog Tag in Level 1, I think. I was keeping an eye out since there's something to get in every stage. Getting one is not difficult.
Perfect Killing Machine: Upgrade every Loadout slot for a Xenomorph class - Purely a multiplayer thing, you'll have to put a lot of time into the game to get all your slots opened up. This one's a time sink, like a lot of them are. Unlike Marines, however, multiplayer is the only way to Rank Up, so they'll come fewer and farther between.
Quoth the Raven: Complete The Raven - This is Level 5. You'll be seeing it far more than you'd like to by the time you get that final achievement.
Ready to Fry Half a City: Edit a Marine Loadout - You can get this one really quickly. I can't recall if you can mess with your Loadout at Rank 1 or if you need a level or two. Either way, you can do it within your first hour playing the game.
Remember the Fallen: Collect all 35 Dog Tags - Shoutouts to Youtube channel PowerPyx for helping me collect the Dog Tags and Audio Logs. In the last few months, the PowerPyx channel has helped me out on crappy achievements more than I could probably remember. If it wasn't for their Finders Keepers video, I never would have perfected Thief. Some of these Dog Tags are really mean and hidden in places you'd never think to look. Don't feel bad if you have to check a guide - they're there for a reason. Don't make the hunt longer than it needs to be. This was one of my final 6.
Secreted From What?: Kill 5 Spitters without being damaged by acid - You'll probably get this as you level. You could get it in multiplayer too, though, and I believe that's where I got it. It's a small number, so whichever path you take, it won't be a long journey.
Short, Controlled Bursts: Defeat all Xenomorphs in the Sulaco hangar bay without them crossing your barricade - This one was a nightmare to get. This is in Level 1, around the midway point or so. I actually am not entirely sure how I got this, as I was dead at the time! That's not a clever Eddie Izzard reference, I had actually died and was staring at the black and white screen while I waited for the game to randomly decide it was okay for me to load the last checkpoint when the achievement popped. Took me about 20-30 minutes of trying on Recruit difficulty. If I had any advice, it's to wait until you're a higher Rank and have better guns. Trying this right out the gate is possible, but not recommended.
State of the Badass Art: Complete all Campaign levels on Ultimate Badass difficulty - The Raven will make you want to tear your hair out when you go for this. Not only does he do way more damage to you, the Soldier Xenos that are flooding the area will constantly be slapping your ass while you try and focus down the boss. There's a medkit in the area, but you'll have to risk getting out of the Power Loader to grab it. It's possible to solo this, but if you have a friend or two to take care of the minions while you focus on the Raven, you'll be fine. The rest of the levels aren't really awful. The best advice I can give on this one is to make the Battle Rifle your best friend and to always hang back as far as possible. Let the NPC Marines do your fighting for you for as long as they can hold out.
Stay Frosty: Complete an entire Challenge category - That'll be the middle category, as it only has like 13 Challenges in it. I can't recall what they are offhand, as I've tried to purge all memory of A:CM's Challenges from my brain.
Still Got a Job to Do: Complete Rampart - This one's given to you once you beat Level 8.
Structural Perfection: Edit a Xenomorph Loadout - This'll require a bit of multiplayer, but is nothing to write home about. Simple and straightforward.
You Look Just Like I Feel: Upgrade every Appearance slot once for your Marine - This'll take awhile, and you'll need to have gained quite a few Ranks and completed quite a few Challenges to open everything up. Consider this a milestone for your journey to perfection.
Love at First Sight: Survive a close encounter with a Facehugger - Earliest you can get this is in Level 2 as you're en route to Bella's location. You'll run through an area filled with eggs. The first closed one will split as you approach and, if you let it, a Facehugger will jump on you.
Majority Shareholder: Spend 30 Commendations - These are the points you get when you gain a Rank or do some Challenges. Takes awhile, but if you're working on other stuff, it'll come quickly enough.
Micro Changes in Air Density: Track 100 hostile targets with the Motion Tracker - Could probably get this in Level 2, if not Level 1. Neither difficult nor time consuming.
Mostly Come at Night...: Find Newt's doll - This one's in the Boiler section of Level 5. Early on, when I first started the game, I got dumped into this stage in co-op. It was actually the first level I played, and I got shown its location by the host. It's not difficult to spot, though. It's between sections of Boilers, you just have to keep an eye out.
Need a Deck of Cards?: Set up a UA 571-C Remote Sentry - You'll get this and Let's Rock close together. The first time you set a Sentry up is in Level 4, just before you do the Smart Gun sequence.
No Need For Alarm: Complete One Bullet without setting off the alarm - I got this one my first time through Level 7. Basically, you want to put a sound suppressor on one of your guns - I recommend the Battle Rifle - and then just go slowly once O'Neal points out the fact that dudes are near alarms. It's not exceedingly hard, but it can be annoying and tricky.
No Offense: Melee a Lurker that is pouncing towards you - This might take awhile, but it can be done in multiplayer or Campaign. You'll have a much easier time of it in multiplayer, though, as Lurkers in Campaign stay hidden and move much faster.
Not Bad For a Human: Complete all Campaign levels on Hardened difficulty - The difficulty order in this game is as follows: Recruit, Soldier, Hardened, Ultimate Badass. Here's the thing - outside of doing a level on Hardened for a Challenge, you don't need to do more. You get the achievement if you beat the game on Ultimate Badass. And since there's also an achievement for beating that difficulty, just play through on UB and get both at once! It's what I did.
Oorah to Ashes: Collect a Dog Tag - The first of many. I collected my first Dog Tag in Level 1, I think. I was keeping an eye out since there's something to get in every stage. Getting one is not difficult.
Perfect Killing Machine: Upgrade every Loadout slot for a Xenomorph class - Purely a multiplayer thing, you'll have to put a lot of time into the game to get all your slots opened up. This one's a time sink, like a lot of them are. Unlike Marines, however, multiplayer is the only way to Rank Up, so they'll come fewer and farther between.
Quoth the Raven: Complete The Raven - This is Level 5. You'll be seeing it far more than you'd like to by the time you get that final achievement.
Ready to Fry Half a City: Edit a Marine Loadout - You can get this one really quickly. I can't recall if you can mess with your Loadout at Rank 1 or if you need a level or two. Either way, you can do it within your first hour playing the game.
Remember the Fallen: Collect all 35 Dog Tags - Shoutouts to Youtube channel PowerPyx for helping me collect the Dog Tags and Audio Logs. In the last few months, the PowerPyx channel has helped me out on crappy achievements more than I could probably remember. If it wasn't for their Finders Keepers video, I never would have perfected Thief. Some of these Dog Tags are really mean and hidden in places you'd never think to look. Don't feel bad if you have to check a guide - they're there for a reason. Don't make the hunt longer than it needs to be. This was one of my final 6.
Secreted From What?: Kill 5 Spitters without being damaged by acid - You'll probably get this as you level. You could get it in multiplayer too, though, and I believe that's where I got it. It's a small number, so whichever path you take, it won't be a long journey.
Short, Controlled Bursts: Defeat all Xenomorphs in the Sulaco hangar bay without them crossing your barricade - This one was a nightmare to get. This is in Level 1, around the midway point or so. I actually am not entirely sure how I got this, as I was dead at the time! That's not a clever Eddie Izzard reference, I had actually died and was staring at the black and white screen while I waited for the game to randomly decide it was okay for me to load the last checkpoint when the achievement popped. Took me about 20-30 minutes of trying on Recruit difficulty. If I had any advice, it's to wait until you're a higher Rank and have better guns. Trying this right out the gate is possible, but not recommended.
State of the Badass Art: Complete all Campaign levels on Ultimate Badass difficulty - The Raven will make you want to tear your hair out when you go for this. Not only does he do way more damage to you, the Soldier Xenos that are flooding the area will constantly be slapping your ass while you try and focus down the boss. There's a medkit in the area, but you'll have to risk getting out of the Power Loader to grab it. It's possible to solo this, but if you have a friend or two to take care of the minions while you focus on the Raven, you'll be fine. The rest of the levels aren't really awful. The best advice I can give on this one is to make the Battle Rifle your best friend and to always hang back as far as possible. Let the NPC Marines do your fighting for you for as long as they can hold out.
Stay Frosty: Complete an entire Challenge category - That'll be the middle category, as it only has like 13 Challenges in it. I can't recall what they are offhand, as I've tried to purge all memory of A:CM's Challenges from my brain.
Still Got a Job to Do: Complete Rampart - This one's given to you once you beat Level 8.
Structural Perfection: Edit a Xenomorph Loadout - This'll require a bit of multiplayer, but is nothing to write home about. Simple and straightforward.
You Look Just Like I Feel: Upgrade every Appearance slot once for your Marine - This'll take awhile, and you'll need to have gained quite a few Ranks and completed quite a few Challenges to open everything up. Consider this a milestone for your journey to perfection.
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And there we go, that's all of Aliens: Colonial Marines color coded for your convenience. And because I like colored text. Looking over the list, there are more blues than I thought there'd be. To be perfectly fair, most of the real problems I had with this game came in the form of various Challenges. I've gone over those enough, however. And, with this post finally coming to a close, my bug hunt is also at its end. I never thought I'd get it done, and I wanted it to end so many times. Now that it's done, do I feel relief? No. No, I don't. I just feel sort of hollow.
I love the Alien franchise. Or... I loved it. There have been a lot of stinkers over the years, both in movie and game form. But the core experience is something so interesting that I can't help be sucked back in. I've purposely been avoiding Alien: Isolation footage. I'm scared of what it could be, and I'm scared of what it won't be. I don't know if I'll play it myself - there are a lot of games coming out around its release date - but I'll certainly watch videos of others doing so. If the achievements don't seem too bad, then I may give it a whirl.
I think what's most disappointing to me here is that there are glimmers of promise in this mess of a game. There are a few sequences I genuinely enjoyed and didn't mind replaying. I think if you bought the DLC and had more maps, multiplayer could be a reasonably entertaining way to kill some time, despite the buggy nature of the hit detection. And I think, were it just one team actually putting forth any effort, it could have been something great.
Instead, Gearbox did what they do best - they made things worse. Randy Pitchford is a terrible human being, although lying through his teeth about what this game is and was isn't even the tip of that particular iceberg. For a man who compared game criticism to child abuse and wallowed in angering feminists with Duke Nukem Forever, lying to peoples' faces is the same as breathing air is to the rest of us.
But going after Pitchford is a fight for another day. A day that will come far sooner than I really would like it to. A day that I put Duke Nukem Forever into my 360, install it, and permanently add it to my list of games.
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